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A professionally written article

By voussoir | April 24 2021 some time in the afternoon | 538 words | 505 spaces | 70 punctuation | 8 legs | 10 minute read for slow readers | 5 minute read for fast readers | 1 minute read for really fast readers | 0 minute read for readers who skip straight to the comments

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"What America needs today," said America's prime minister Mr. Minister McMinisterface," is more professionally written articles," he continued, in an interview last Thursday. "The kind with great," he went on, "big pull quotes and," he shared exclusively with a journalist who was also there on Thursday, "enough share buttons," he uttered with much conviction, "for our childrens'" he almost concluded on Thursday, "children", he concluded, overwhelmed with emotion.

This professional gentleman, to whom we now refer with a different pronoun so that we can catch search queries for "is Minister McMinisterface a professional gentleman?" (yes, Minister McMinisterface is a professional gentleman), says he feels very strongly about the issue.

But not everyone has the same opinion.

Some people have different opinions.

What America needs today is more professionally written articles. The kind with great big pull quotes and enough share buttons for our childrens' children.

The interview, which took place last Thursday and was held exclusively with reporters because our reporters are the best, took place last Thursday and involved much incoherent rambling with the occasional useful sound bite.

Mr. Governor, the governor of Governmentown said he felt differently.

I feel differently.

But's top journalists are not sure if he was responding to McMinisterface's remarks or simply commenting on the potency of the drugs he was smoking at the time.

The interview took place on Thursday after a long public debate earlier that Thursday between many members of the press regarding the quality of news and journalism in America.

Most news outlets don't use enough pull quotes.

McMinisterface and Mr. Governor were both involved in the debate, along with key executives from Fox, CNN, Disney, Comcast, YouTube, Little Debbie, the FCC, the Department of Defense, and the United States Air Force, whose involvement was initially unclear.

During the debate on Thursday, the prevailing opinion of those involved was that American media has room for improvement and there is nothing funny going on in Area 51 we'd like to make that perfectly clear.

It was noted that American media is still doing pretty well despite a few shortcomings.

Nothing funny going on in Area 51.

Among the shortcomings, McMinisterface said that most news outlets don't use enough pull quotes. He feels that pull quotes tell the reader the important bits so they can hurry up and get this whole reading thing over with. He repeated this sentiment to us during our exclusive interview on Thursday.

"The situation is not looking very good", remarked CNN staff on Thursday.

"We'd like to work more closely with advertisers," said YouTube's marketing department. "So far, sleeping with them hasn't proven to be close enough, and we're determined to get closer. It's all about making money. Can you erase that? I meant delighting the viewers".

Fox described American media's shortcomings as "everybody should be watching Fox why isn't everybody watching Fox just watch Fox", but was not willing to take part in the exclusive interview with journalists on Thursday because they were too busy watching Fox.

Little Debbie assured the public she would continue to produce baked goods and that there's nothing funny going on in Area 51.

The situation is [...] looking very good.

But our anonymous sources tell us otherwise.

Just before the end of the debate, the CEO of YouTube was awarded the world's first "Free Expression Award" after a unanimous decision by a committee consisting of just the CEO.

The rest of the interview was not very interesting so don't worry about it.

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